Monday, February 20, 2006

Sinister Sublet Dialogue

My search for a sublet in the Bay Area has been going well, save for one bitter, older "mselinger@rcn.com," who launched a vitriolic and ageist tirade in response to my generic mailer giving a paragraph of info about myself and my needs...(this is not indicative of my interactions with other potential roomates)...here's the text of our exchange:

"hello, my name is ben, and i'm a 23yr old outgoing and personable college grad. i arrived recently from the east coast in search of greener pastures and a more open cultural, artistic, and political environment. though i'm currently staying in berkeley, i am looking for a sublet in the mission for a few months so that i can be closer to my non-profit job in downtown frisco. i'm looking to sublet from friendly and creative people who like music, film, and all types of tasty food. i could live with students or fulltime working folk. i'm flexible about my requirements, but i would like to rent a room that is furnished with a full bed and sufficient windows. ideally, i would like to be able to use kitchen and living room space for cooking and relaxing. lookin for people who enjoy hanging out but are also clean and organized. my cellphone is 410-499-5900, and i'm interested in checking out your place whenever you're around, preferably sometime sunday or tuesday evening. talk to you soon!

ben

--------------------------

hi Ben-

Thanks for your interest but I am not looking to sublet. This is a mature
household, not a one step removed from a dormroom, tempory housing shelter.
I am looking for a roomate who and is mature, stable, and who is also looking
for a stability in a home. I've been living in this flat for approaching 4 yrs and I
have never had a roomate live here for less than 18 months. That works well for
me. I have some very strong candidates already, and who aren't requiring "fully
furninshed room with a bed."

Good luck kid,

M.

-----------------------------

thanks for your witty condescension, i am of the belief that this is precisely how we as intelligent mammals can make this world a better and more livable place. my goal each and every day is to wake up and reinforce the notion that i am vastly superior to all those who are of fewer years than myself. without a doubt, nomads are sinful types, and they ought to return to the land from which they came. age is a precious commodity these days, and it appears that you are fully appreciative of your hard-earned years. good luck recruiting a mature and rotting vegetable for your nursing home, you bitter septuagenarian creep.

zestily and zealously,

ben

------------------------------

"Good luck recruiting a mature and rotting vegetable for your nursing home."
"you bitter septuagenarian creep." Ben, I just love that. I mean it, that's really
good stuff. That's exactly the kind of fighting spirit that I like to see. In the
past 10 days, I have probably met upwards of about 20 people. Nobody, not
even the "mature rotting vegitables" nor the young guns like yourself who will
inherit the Earth and will cut a path of swashbuckling glory, has demonstrated
more heart, fighting spirit, or were more true than you. You're still not going to
get a chance to see the room, simply because you are not the guy I need or
want, but you have earned quite a measure of respect from me. My only advise
for you is continue to be strong and true, and don't take no shit from nobody.
( That's a double negative, but you know what I mean. )

Continued good luck kid. Best regards,

Michael"

6 comments:

Maro said...

Ben! Did you really send the second email? Though not surprised, i am impressed. Knowing old people (since Florida can be at times a living graveyard), this character sounds more like a bitchy 30 year old elitist prick than any sort of true blue senior. You should have listed your many references of people you've cohabitated with to convince him.

Mike said...

Marvelous reply, though I believe octogenarian would have REALLY made it hurt, bahahaha

benpiven said...

yes, that dialogue is our email correspondence verbatim...and i harbor no beef with my elders. to the contrary, big ups to those who bear the experience of life-years.

maro said...

he likes the fire in your eyes, beno. i see a sugar daddy in your future.

Valene said...

hey Ben,

I have to say, I really enjoyed your "Sinister Sublet Dialogue" -- so much, in fact, that I ended up reading it to my study group here at U of I (sorry, but I figure it's public since you posted the link to your blog on your facebook page). We all got a good laugh as bitter grad students staring down the barrel of the gun that is the final exam period :)

Keep up the good work Ben -- you do me proud as a fellow Quaker (lol)!

~Valene

Bitter Septugenarian Creep's Ex said...

This just cracks me up. I came upon this blog entry as I googled my ex-boyfriend - said bitter septugenarian creep. This exchange is priceless and I am not surprised in the least by how he responded. Luckily, I am now happily married with kids...and ex-boyfriend is still living in the same apt share in the mission.
Ben, Hope you've found a place to live by now!

 
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